Cape Town designer stars on the red carpet
2014 June 7. | Szerző: shannon
A local designer is in the spotlight after actress and model Tanit Phoenix wore one of his designs to the Hollywood premiere of Maleficent.
Jas Myburgh, a fashion and design lecturer at Cape Peninsula University of Technology (CPUT), has designed four evening gowns for Phoenix, one for each of the premieres. The rest will take place in Tokyo, London and Sydney.
Phoenix is dating South African actor Sharlto Copley, who plays the part of King Stephan in the dark fantasy film. Maleficent is Disney’s spin on Sleeping Beauty. Copley co-stars with Angelina Jolie and Elle Fanning.
Jolie wore a Versace gown to the May 28 world premiere at the El Capitan Theatre, while her husband Brad Pitt wore Gucci. But Phoenix opted for a South African designer.
Myburgh studied fashion design at CPUT in 1990. He spent two years working in Spain, and started designing under his own name when he came back.
He is passionate about teaching, and the clothes he makes. Myburgh has dressed several South African models and celebrities, and has been involved in national and international competitions.
He met Phoenix – who was born in Durban – in 2006. He designed her lingerie for a shoot, and they stayed in touch and became friends. In August last year, she told Myburgh she’d love to wear a local garment to the premiere.
Phoenix was in the country for three months last year, and Myburgh started working on the gowns.
“I tried to keep a very unique look for her. The garments are African and South African inspired,” he says.
“There is so much inspiration in Africa. It is one of the big trends at the moment, with lots of colour. We took that and transformed it into a glamorous evening gown. Something special with a story behind it.”
The bodice is made of silk tulle, with an Ndebele pattern embroidered on it. Black crystal beads were hand-sewn. It took about a month to make.
“In the South African clothing industry, the seamstresses get so little credit for what they do,” says Myburgh. “It’s something that’s dying out. The specialists in this field are getting old, and the new generation aren’t interested in this aspect of design.
Myburgh is passionate about keeping it alive, as the “fabrication” – creating the details on fabric by hand – is very important to him.
“Hand beading, embroidering, and how a garment is finished off … the reason for couture is how a garment is made,” he says.
While Phoenix wasn’t part of the film, her dress did attract a lot of attention. Myburgh says his social media profile spiked considerably.
“It’s a designer’s dream to dress a celebrity and to be in the spotlight, and on the same platform as Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie. I’m on cloud nine. It’s the beginning of something new, and very exciting,” he says.
While he can’t reveal what the other garments look like just yet, Myburgh says they are all African-inspired pieces of couture.
“I just hope the movie gets an Oscar. I really want to make her dress for the Oscars,” he says.
Who’s that girl?
Model and actress Tanit Phoenix, 29, was born in Durban, but now lives in Cape Town and Los Angeles.
Phoenix has been in a relationship with actor Sharlto Copley since January 2012. Copely, who acts in Maleficent, also starred in Elysium and District 9. Phoenix has appeared in Spud, Death Race: Inferno, and Safe House.
She started her career in Durban at the age of 14 and has appeared in local and international commercials, on magazine covers and in lingerie campaigns.
Her name seems like the perfect stage name, but it is her real name.
On her Facebook fanpage, Phoenix writes that she is inspired by her work.
“I love everything about modelling, film and acting and it has always stemmed from observing people and understanding the human condition,” she writes.
When acting and modelling, she shows her vulnerability.
“It’s such amazing self-expression, showing raw emotions. It’s empowering and exhilarating. Such a challenge.”
Alia Bhatt In Kenneth Cole Short Dress
2014 June 4. | Szerző: shannon
Alia Bhatt was seen in a monochrome dress by designer Kenneth Cole. The actress who loves to look different and unique was spotted in this lovely number for a talk show that will be aired on July 14. Alia Bhatt in this short dress looked just amazing. Recently, we saw Alia Bhatt in one of her upcoming movie promotions where she had a nasty wardrobe malfunction. The young and bubbly actress showed off her white knickers through a sheer patiala pant when Varun Dhawan lifted her leaving her embarrassed.
Alia Bhatt in this Kenneth Cole allex, fit and flare short dress looked chic and pretty. What we liked most about the short dress worn by Alia Bhatt was the flare at the hemline which matched her nature. The bodice of Alia Bhatt’s dress was designed in such a way that it hid her tummy (though she has a flat toned tummy). It was sleeveless, showing off her flawless skin and her perfect complexion.
To make this look all the more interesting, Alia Bhatt’s Kenneth Cole monochrome dress was paired up with Kenneth Cole silver pointed heels. The shoes were of a perfect match with her dress and we are glad she did not opt for a black pair as it would not have given out this contrast in colours. The Dior earrings were indeed an eye-catcher with the Kenneth Cole flared dress Alia Bhatt wore. She completed the monochrome look with an Atelier Mon ring on her index finger. With little accessories to go with the Kenneth Cole black dress worn by Alia Bhatt, it was a perfect look she gave us of herself. Her hairstyle too was plain as her soft brown beach curls lay gently over her shoulders at all times. Do you like Alia Bhatt look in Kenneth Cole’s monochrome short flared dress or you prefer to see her in Indian attires?
Matthew Williamson and Azza Fahmy get bejewelled
2014 May 30. | Szerző: shannon
You wouldn’t normally associate Egyptian jewellery designer Azza Fahmy with British designer Matthew Williamson. But in the world of fashion, where strange bedfellows can sometimes make great business and creative sense, theirs is a match-up that’s already creating quite the buzz.
The pair recently launched their second jewellery collaboration in Dubai, coming off a successful first line launched in September last year.
“I guess the stars just aligned,” smiles Williamson, pointing to a necklace featuring a strand of stars, one of the items in the 21-piece fine jewellery collection. “We were approached by Azza’s team about a year and half ago and it was an easy decision because of what she does. I loved her skill and her expertise in a field I know little about. So it was nice to move out of my comfort zone and advise and bring my spirit to the collection.”
Created to complement Williamson’s fall-winter 2014 collection, the Azza Fahmy x Matthew Williamson range is sold exclusively at Bloomingdale’s Dubai.
The second collection, says the Manchester-born designer, is “much more thought through from start to finish.”
“This collection was about making something specific that would work with our collaboration,” he says. “So I looked at 70s interiors. I came across these beautiful black and white pictures, which looked like it could still be cool today, and in the middle of the lounge there was this tapestry rug with stars and I decided to make the clothes imagining who the woman was that lived in that home and curating the wardrobe for her. The next stage was the jewellery.”
Fahmy, a Hollywood red-carpet favourite, is no stranger to designer collaborations, having worked with Welsh designer Julien Macdonald and London label Preen. Williamson’s aesthetic of bright colours, electric prints and laid-back hippy chic was the perfect starting point for a new collection, she says.
“They showed me his work and how he designs his clothes and prints and I thought ‘this man who takes care of all this and all this research must be good,” she says. “For me it’s all about mixing the past and the future. I am very connected to culture but I’ve always tried to make things contemporary… take from the past and make it alive and wearable.
“For instance, inside some of the stars, you will find filigree work,” she explains, referring to the delicate metalwork popular in Asian jewellery-making. “It’s about successfully bridging those two worlds.”
Fahmy, who opened her first boutique in Cairo in 1981, credits her daughter Amina, who’s now the creative director, for helping keep her namesake fine jewellery brand in relevance.
“She completely changed my perspective about jewellery. How, for instance, to put these contemporary pieces and mix them with culture and art,” she says. But it was Fahmy’s rich catalogue of heritage-inspired work that caught Williamson’s attention.
“With this collection, what we were keen to do was take all that history and the craftsmanship and the skill that Azza knows so well and infuse it with something that she might not usually do,” he says.
Both designers have a strong following in the Middle East, a direct result of their creative inspirations: Williamson is known for his strong Asian references while Fahmy, who trained in the Egyptian way of making jewels, has found her fame spread beyond the Arab world.
Dubai is the perfect setting for their collaboration to blossom, they say.
“It is now the centre of fashion in the Arab world. A lot of people coming from everywhere and it makes sense for us,” says Fahmy.
“It’s a logical place for both of us. It’s the middle of the world isn’t it?” echoes Williamson.
Though non-committal on a third collection, the pair say designer collaborations need to be always properly thought through.
“You make a calculated decision, and you take each one as it comes,” says Williamson. “Sometimes it’s for purely creative reasons, sometimes it’s creative and financial and sometimes it’s the media buzz. Or it could be a mix of all three. You want there to be a sense of every perspective.
“We got something two days ago but it didn’t make sense to me. It’s was a fantastic deal but it makes no sense to collaborate with somebody that we have no synergy with.”
Known for his famous friends, the British designer says that while celebrity endorsements help, it’s not something he or his label actively pursues.
“I don’t work with [celebrities] in a way that it’s a controlled thing. And I don’t pay,” he says. “For me it’s more of a friendship thing with a girl. If it’s the right girl, the right dress, at the right place and the right time, it will work. And when it does, it’s a great brand endorsement.
“But for me it’s always been about personal interaction. I can’t compete with those big brands that have divisions and go ‘who we dressing next?’. We are a cottage industry. So we have to rely on our personal connections. Like Sienna Miller, she’s my best friend so it’s a very organic and personal process.”
Designers have had to become good business people, says Williamson, whose eponymous label has a number of flagship stores including one in Dubai.
“I had to have some understanding [of business]. I like to know,” he says. “But my favourite thing is when someone wears my pieces. I love the beginning of what I do and I love the end. To see it on someone.”
“I’m a really bad business woman,” Fahmy chimes in, laughing. “We have people to take care of that. I’d like to stick to the artistic things.”
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The Rights And Responsibilities Of Every Wedding Guest
2014 May 28. | Szerző: shannon
There is a lot of wedding etiquette for a wedding guest to keep track of, and so many wedding guest missteps are the result of guests simply not knowing better. (We cringe when we think of how long it took us to send back RSVPs in our younger years!) To help you survive wedding season, we’ve put together a list of the rights and responsibilities every wedding guest (and engaged couple!) should know.
You have the responsibility to…
Send in your RSVP by the date requested. It’s so simple, but a surprising amount of guests don’t do this, meaning the couple has to track people down for RSVPs. The invitation typically includes a stamped envelope for the RSVP card, so there’s no excuse for not dropping it in the mail as soon as you know whether you’ll be able to make it.
Actually show up if you RSVP “yes.” The couple has to give a head count to the caterer several days before the wedding, and they are charged for your plate whether or not you actually show up. If you’ve already sent in your RSVP and something comes up, give the couple a call or send them an email to let them know; there may be still time for them to change the count.
Arrive at the ceremony on time. A late guest is a distraction for the couple and the other guests — and just might ruin a meaningful moment. If you arrive late, listen at the door for a song or a break in the action, and then sneak in quietly.
Adhere to any dress codes mentioned on the invitation or wedding website. If the dress code says “semi-formal,” don’t wear jeans. And yes, the old rule of not wearing white to a wedding is still in effect.
Not bring anyone to the wedding who wasn’t specifically invited. Unsure if your guest was invited or not? Here’s how you can tell: if the invitation is only addressed to you, and there’s no mention of “and guest,” then your guest is not invited. Similarly, if the invitation’s inner and outer envelopes are both addressed to “Mr. and Mrs. Smith,” your children are most likely not invited.
Silence your phone during the ceremony. This should go without saying, but no one should hear a phone vibrating or ringing as he or she says “I do.” If you’re worried about not being able to take a call from your baby-sitter, let him or her know your phone will be off from, say, 3:00-3:30, and to send a text if it’s an emergency. If you notice an urgent text during the ceremony, you can step outside to return the call.
Respect the couple’s wishes with regard to taking photos/sharing photos on social media. If the couple is having an unplugged wedding or has asked that you not put any photos of them on social media, you should respect that.
You have the right to…
Expect a wedding invitation if you receive a save the date. This is pretty standard etiquette, so you can politely ask the couple about it if the wedding date is nearing and you haven’t received an invite yet.
RSVP “no” if you can’t or don’t want to attend. The couple will understand…trust us.
Call or email the couple if you need clarification on any aspect of the wedding. If you’re confused about the plus-one situation or the dress code, feel free to shoot them an email to get answers.
Send a gift after the wedding or not send a gift at all. That’s correct: a gift is not the price of admission at a wedding. And you can send one for up to a year after the wedding; if it’s been several months and now you feel awkward, make it an extra-special holiday gift.
Expect a timely thank you note for any gifts you give. Give them a little time after the wedding to breathe, but if you haven’t received one after a few months, it’s totally fine to ask the couple if they received your gift.
Take advantage of the open bar. As long as you don’t get belligerent or make an embarrassing speech, feel free to let loose.
Bust a move on the dance floor. Couples love when it seems like everyone is having a good time at their wedding, so they’ll appreciate it if you’re the first one on the dance floor and the last one to leave it.
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Varicose veins: Beauty myths exposed
2014 May 23. | Szerző: shannon
Varicose veins can plague of women, especially this time of year when more skin is on show, but do you actually know what they are and how you can treat them?
Veincentre, one of the UK’s leading private health clinics specialising in varicose veins, has seen more than 10,000 patients since opening its doors 10 years ago. Almost all of the clients that visited the clinic had completely misunderstood their condition and were not aware of the options available to them.
The clinic’s lead consultant – Dr David West – has listed the five most common myths surrounding varicose veins and the truth behind these conditions and their treatment.
Myth: Varicose veins is only a problem for women
Truth: 40% of our clients are men. However, they only tend to come to us once the pain has become unbearable. By waiting until this time they are putting themselves at greater risk of developing additional problems. This is not just a ‘female only’ problem and it is definitely nothing to be embarrassed about as it’s so common.
Myth: Varicose veins are only a cosmetic issue i.e. not serious
Truth: Varicose veins, if ignored and left untreated, can actually progress into serious medical conditions including leg pain, swelling, skin damage and ulcers. They may also be a result of (and therefore masking) another underlying problem. Some of our clients had suffered with their varicose veins for over 40 years, either because they were not offered adequate solutions by their GP or simply because they were unaware of the options available.
Their daily lives were seriously affected due to constant pain and discomfort. A lot of them had self-confidence issues, avoiding holidays and summer clothing and some of the more serious cases had been unable to walk or stand for long periods of time.
Myth: Treating varicose veins is expensive
Truth: People are turning to ‘self-pay’ private surgery in response to lengthening NHS waiting lists, some clinicians refusing to treat them on the NHS and escalating costs of private health insurance. However, there is a huge price variation for the same procedures up and down the country.
We would not dream of unnecessarily overcharging our clients and I believe some of the prices being quoted at other clinics are ridiculous. What may cost up to £8,000 at one clinic, we’ll provide the same varicose vein treatment for £1,995 and I’d argue we’d do it to a higher patient satisfaction because all we do are veins.
Cost should not be a barrier for people seeking treatment for their varicose veins. Treatment options should be tailored to patients’ budgets. At Veincentre, we offer payment options to accommodate even the most modest budgets.
Myth: Varicose vein treatment will involve long painful surgery
Truth : Not so with a pioneering new technique called Endovenous Laser Ablation (EVLA), which is recommended by NICE (the National Institute for Health and Clinical Excellence) as the default treatment for varicose veins.
EVLA is a non-surgical, minimally-invasive procedure with no need for general anaesthetic. The efficiency of this procedure means that many of our patients have their first consultation and treatment at the same time – often lasting no longer than 90 minutes.
Myth: Varicose veins are a problem for old people
Truth: This is not just a problem for older people, your genetics also play a large part in the development of varicose veins. We have had clients as young as 16 suffering with varicose veins and seen children with the condition.
Latest jewellery trends at the Grove Communication press day
2014 May 21. | Szerző: shannon
The 13th May was a truly sparkling day for all fashion and jewellery lovers, as Grove Communication held their A/W 2014 press day. At the agency’s press day we got to see all the beautiful sparkling accessories of the season. Some of the brands represented were Cred Jewellery, Victoria Tryon, Bouton, Buckley London and Atwood and Sawyer.
Award-winning ethical jewellery label Cred Jewellery has introduced its Festival collection, just in time for the festival season. The pieces feature bohemian feather pendants, which is continuously in trend after Coachella this year, hard rock style skull ‘n’ bone charms and more romantic styles, also. Our favourites are the pastel-coloured friendship bracelets to seal those once in a lifetime moments.
Another stand-out at the press day was London-based jewellery brand Buckley London. The costume and fashion jewellery brand’s latest Acorn collection symbolises prosperity, youthfulness and power, all in the iconic symbol of the acorn. The pieces are a great addition to the season’s ever-growing pastel trend and make sure to bring a hint of playfulness into any outfit. The cheerful motif can be found on trendy leather bracelets, stylish rose gold necklaces and elegant drop earrings. Other pieces to look out for from Buckley London were the eternally elegant “Evie” bracelet and charm.
Lauren Conrad’s Skincare Secret
2014 May 17. | Szerző: shannon
Lauren Conrad knows a thing or two about beauty. The reality-star turned fashion designer is always on point when it comes to the latest hair crazes (remember her pink dip dyed locks?) and new make-up magic (she is, after all, the face of Mark cosmetics).
And we can’t help but notice that she always has the most glowing, healthy looking skin!
While we are sure her blissful engagement to her love of over two years, William Tell, might have something to do with her recent radiance, we just had to know the real secret behind her skincare routine. So we chatted with HydroPeptide National Account Trainer Jayna DiMartino and found out the key products behind Lauren’s lovely complexion.
“Lauren Conrad’s go-to Peel: Anti-Wrinkle Polish & Plump Peel is the perfect date night peel, as it gives you the most amazing ,dramatic results without any downtime,” says Jayna “Peel 1 is two ingredients: 15% vitamin C to lighten, brighten and tighten, and microdermabrasion oxygenating crystals that create a manual exfoliation to lift dead skin cells.”
Want to try it out yourself? Follow Jayna’s easy steps below.
1.Start off by applying Peel 1, gently rubbing in a circular motion for 1 to 2 minutes.
2. Leave on the skin and then apply one pump of Peel 2, which is the activator that gives you that nice, gentle chemical exfoliation with 5% lactic acid, vitamin C, botox-like peptides, plumping, volumizing and lifting peptides, with Echinacea and chamomile to soothe the skin.
3. Work this into the skin for another 1 to 2 minutes and then rinse.
“It can be used once or twice a week. Skin will be left looking brighter, feeling softer, more even-toned and supple. Perfect before a night on the town,” says Jayna.
5 reasons herbal products may not be really safe after all!
2014 May 15. | Szerző: shannon
Herbal products derived from plants are widely used in several countries, especially India and they continue to gain popularity among consumers. But consumers need to know that there are very few valid medical studies on the herbal products which are actually safe. It is difficult identifying chopped, processed herbs or plant mixtures, variability in the toxic constituents of a plant, nomenclature, adulteration and establishing the chronic toxic potential of a plant.
1. When it comes to herbal medicines, there are a lot of contaminants that can make their way into a product – heavy metals may find their way into the plants through the water used in irrigation or the soil in which the plants grow.
2. Microorganisms grow better in the presence of organic matter obtained from plant and animal sources and they can contaminate the product. There may be pesticide residues that have found their way into the plant material and then, into the product.
3. Sometimes, improper storage may lead to chemical degradation of one of the components in the herbal formulation and toxic substances may be produced.
4. Occasionally, an unscrupulous manufacturer may add in a less expensive substitute for a particular herb. This substitute may have similar physical appearance to the herb prescribed in the recipe, but it will obviously interfere with the product’s ability to elicit the desired therapeutic effects.
5. It is common knowledge that most herbal remedies take longer to act as compared to allopathic medicines; so an unprincipled manufacturer may resort to mixing in allopathic medicines into a herbal product in order to make it appear fast-acting and increase its popularity. Sometimes, inadvertent adulteration can occur because of confusion in the vernacular names of some plant sources.
Over time, drug regulatory authorities have woken up to the need for standardisation of herbal products. Recognising that close to 80% of the world’s population still relies on traditional systems of medicine for their healthcare needs; the World Health Organization has specified guidelines to be followed by manufacturers to ensure they make pure herbal products of good quality. If there is one myth this discussion has cleared up, it is this – ‘herbal’ should not be read as a synonym for ‘safe’. Only when the manufacturer of a herbal product is deeply committed to providing quality medicines will we have the confidence to consume such products without any qualms.
Must-follow skincare tips for travellers
2014 May 12. | Szerző: shannon
Most of us are ready to go for vacations to either cold hill stations or the cool sunny beaches. But both these destinations, offering completely different climates will demand skin care regimes that are typical to the weather there. Here are tips to help you…
With the holiday season already upon us, most of us are planning to go for vacations to either cold hill stations or the cool sunny beaches. But both these destinations, offering completely different climates will demand skin care regimes that are typical to the weather there.
Dr Apratim Goel, dermatologist, says, “The travelling, whether by road or by air, can put a lot of stress on the skin. It is hard to imagine anything worse than having your holiday or journey ruined by developing a skin problem.”
Preventing skin problems during travel is relatively easy, as long as you follow a few basic sensible rules.
Cosmetologist Dr Jamuna Pai says, “You should remember to take care of not just your face but your hands and feet too while you are out travelling. And most importantly whether you are going to a beach destination or a hill station you must not ignore sun protection.” Experts say that there are cases when the sun rays reflecting off the snow and ice can also damage your skin.
The key to a successful trip lies in preparation and planning. “If you are unsure about how you will manage aspects of your journey, then you need to seek advice from an experienced traveller and also from your skin specialist prior to the journey,” says Dr Goel.
Here are some tips (see boxes) you need to keep in mind for both hot and cold holiday destinations. The ultra-dry air on airplanes and the colder, drier climate of the place where you travel to makes it essential to keep up your skin care routine. It is a great idea to buy travel-size versions of your skin, cleanser, moisturiser, lotion and exfoliant and pack them in your hand carry bag. Re-applying while on the plane (most flights it is available in the kit provided to you) will allow your skin to stay hydrated.
Tips for beach destinations
Exfoliate and moisturise your feet every night while on vacation. Sightseeing and walking barefoot on the beach will wreak havoc on your pedicure — not to mention your feet will be tired. Bring a foot file and use it on soles and heels while showering. Follow that with a moisturising massage cream.
Keep a medical emergency kit with you where you have apart from other first aid stuff, an antiallergic tablet, a smoothening calamine and aloe vera lotion, a topical steroid cream like mometasone or clobetasone, which can be used in case of any rash or skin allergy. You could ask your dermatologist to guide you assemble one and also guide you to use it. In case you get a jellyfish sting on the beach, you are not likely to get a doctor nearby. Hence a medical kit for first aid comes handy.
You should always wear shoes and socks when you travel in a car. In some cars, the floor may heat up, causing burns to the feet.
Be wary of your vehicles that have been sitting in the sun. Seats, belt buckles and other surfaces can hold a considerable amount of heat. If these surfaces come into contact with your skin, burns can occur.
If travelling long distances in the heat, make sure that you drink plenty of fluids. Application of various products only on the outer surface does not lead to an ultimate healthy skin. What one needs is a healthy diet and a peaceful mind. The meals should have ample amount of juicy fruits and vegetables along with at least 12-14 glasses of water a day. Intake of liquids help your skin to retain the essential oils automatically and acts as a natural protection against dryness.
You can also start taking oral supplements containing vitamin C, beta carotene, glutathione and other antioxidants one week prior to your travel to a dry place.
Tips for hill stations
If you have been exposed to extreme cold or snow, take care not to have your feet directly under heater vents — hot air can also cause skin burns.
Again, there are certain parts of the body that require special care when you are travelling to hill stations, like feet and hands. Specially the feet tend to crack and they are the most neglected areas, constantly exposed to dirt and dryness on holidays. Apply thick petroleum based cream and wear soft cotton socks.
Whether the travel is to a warm place or cold, please don’t miss on your sun protection. Apart from wearing hats, umbrella etc, remember to use a high SPF subscreen (at least 35) and keep reapplying every 2-4 hrs. Sun damage can cause pigmentation and also cause premature wrinkles.
Your scalp too needs special mention as many of us suffer from the dandruff that can have long term effect on the like hair fall. Use ketoconazole containing shampoo once a week.
3 Things You Need to Know Before Getting Married
2014 June 13. | Szerző: shannon
I can feel the veins in my neck bulging.
The veins in my neck never bulge. I’m the guy who internalizes everything — no matter how much the circumstance warrants a reaction (for better or worse).
The more she explains how my negligence in our relationship makes her feel, the more I want to jump in my truck and spend the weekend alone on the open road — neglecting our relationship.
Instead, we resort to our increasingly popular nightcap. I walk out, slamming the door behind me for dramatic effect. She crawls under the covers, in tears — but not before setting up her wall of pillows down the middle of the bed, just to remind me, when I do come to sleep, that things are not okay.
We were 18 months in and though our first year was bliss, pillow walls were now becoming our norm.
We weren’t supposed to be the ones in a perpetual fight.
We were the couple who highlighted and dog-eared our marriage books. My wife was still my dream. Yet, something was missing. We both felt it. And we both wondered why.
As we explored the growing deficiency, we kept coming back to a handful of misconceptions we brought into our marriage. Our growing frustrations. Our screaming matches that were becoming ritualistic. Our doubts. They all could be traced to our misguided ideas about marriage and their inability to support the very unnatural art of loving another person.
Needless to say, a little foresight could have saved us a couple of hard nights early on in marriage. So in lieu of slammed doors and pillow walls, here are three things everyone needs to know before they marry.
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1. HAPPILY EVER AFTER ISN’T THE POINT.
As soon as we’re able to understand bedtime stories, Cinderella and her friends tell us love is about happiness. Hollywood eventually takes up Cinderella’s campaign, inundating us with the idea that marriage — and sex — is our gateway into happily ever after.
But what if I told you happily ever after isn’t the point?
It doesn’t take long into matrimony for most of us to realize Disney and Hollywood were full of it. At that point, our frustration with Cinderella is only rivaled by the disillusionment we feel in our marriages.
Our modern obsession with being happy often makes it far more natural for us to love happiness more than we ever love another human. And though being happy is a very real by-product of a healthy relationship, the value we put on personal happiness is so inflated, its causing us to miss one of the more beautiful purposes of marriage. The ancient Hebrew culture, on the other hand, didn’t seem to miss this purpose. The language even highlights and unpacks this ideal for us.
In Hebrew, the word used for marriage actually means “Fire.” And not-so-coincidentally, fire is also the element used throughout ancient Hebrew culture to represent personal reformation. In this light, marriage (and its necessary friction) is seen less as a doorway to happily ever after and more as a tool in divine hands to help us become increasingly beautiful — increasingly our best and brightest selves.
2. GOOD CONSUMERS MAKE BAD LOVERS.
I couldn’t wait to get married. Of course, I loved my wife and couldn’t see my future with anyone else. Yet I was mostly looking forward to the perpetual slumber party, saying goodbye to the awkwardness of singlehood, and (obviously) the endless, mind-blowing sex.
And with that, I became a perfect illustration of another misguided modern mentality towards marriage.
Many of our ideas of love lead us to, consciously or subconsciously, begin and end the conversation with what marriage can do for us. Sadly, this me-centricity has a way of neutering the beauty of marriage — taking a relationship designed for giving and making it all about getting.
Yet again, the Hebrew language seems to bring a certain light to our modern ideas. The Hebrew word for love — ahava — has little to do with what one feels or receives. To the contrary — ahava — is actually a verb that means “I give.” As it turns out, love is not the fleeting butterflies we get when looking into the eyes of our significant other. It’s not something we fall into when dating. It’s far simpler — and far wilder — than all of that. It’s the everyday choices we make — big or small — to give to our spouse.
It’s taking out the trash.
It’s actively choosing to give him space when he is stressed.
It’s a text message, mid-afternoon, to tell her you can’t stop thinking about her.
It’s the choice to not react to something he said, but asking what he meant and how it makes him feel, instead.
It’s the time you’re late for a meeting, but run back inside to tell your wife — who you know adores being told — how much she means to you that day.
It’s the painful routine of taking the 3:00 a.m. newborn feeding shift so your wife can finally have three hours of uninterrupted sleep.
Love is not the fairy-tale beginnings as much as it is the small, mundane — but generous — things we do for each other every day. And as we begin to orient ourselves to this brand of love that requires us to show up continually, we’re sure to discover the beautiful paradox that it is.
3. LOVE IS A JOURNEY — NOT A FREE FALL.
“We fell in love and got married.”
This was certainly my story. After a few stomach butterflies and a handful of DTRs (Define the Relationship), I thought my wife and I had arrived at the much-sought-after phenomenon of being in love. It was no wonder I expected all the benefits of love on Day One of our marriage.
You know the benefits I’m talking about. The trusted friendship. The happy partnership. The ongoing romance.
But anyone who has experienced marriage knows that though these benefits are very real perks of love, they don’t come for free.
Trust requires trust-building circumstances over time.
True companionship comes from years of conversation.
And romance? Well, the kind of romance that doesn’t fade only comes from being intentional over the long haul.
Many of us get married and immediately expect to reap the rewards of love and quickly learn that true love isn’t something we fall into. This state of “Love” (and all of its benefits) is developed over years of learning to relate to one another — it’s a journey.
A friend of mine recently attended a small gathering after a frustrating fight with his wife. As they went around the circle introducing themselves, he announced they had been married five years. A woman, almost cutting them off, blurted out, “five years? Oh, you guys are only kindergarteners.”
Suddenly, my friends frustrations with his marriage disappeared. As he thought about the woman’s simple but profound comment, he realized: everybody expects kindergarteners to occasionally act childish, be selfish, and throw tantrums. Perhaps he should cut himself and his wife some slack in his marriage.
We can’t expect to microwave love, and can’t assume our spouse or our marriage will offer all the benefits of love on Day One.
Marriage, with its everyday equation of radical proximity to another human is never going to fit nicely into our neat boxes of formulas and principled ideals. I get it. And, regardless of what we know before we get married or not, it is always going to have a way of stretching us — many times to the brink of wanting to give up. But perhaps with every misguided idea about marriage we replace with a more timeless one, the more natural the very unnatural art of loving another person becomes.
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