3 Things You Need to Know Before Getting Married

2014 June 13. | Szerző: shannon

I can feel the veins in my neck bulging.

The veins in my neck never bulge. I’m the guy who internalizes everything — no matter how much the circumstance warrants a reaction (for better or worse).

The more she explains how my negligence in our relationship makes her feel, the more I want to jump in my truck and spend the weekend alone on the open road — neglecting our relationship.

Instead, we resort to our increasingly popular nightcap. I walk out, slamming the door behind me for dramatic effect. She crawls under the covers, in tears — but not before setting up her wall of pillows down the middle of the bed, just to remind me, when I do come to sleep, that things are not okay.

We were 18 months in and though our first year was bliss, pillow walls were now becoming our norm.

We weren’t supposed to be the ones in a perpetual fight.

We were the couple who highlighted and dog-eared our marriage books. My wife was still my dream. Yet, something was missing. We both felt it. And we both wondered why.

As we explored the growing deficiency, we kept coming back to a handful of misconceptions we brought into our marriage. Our growing frustrations. Our screaming matches that were becoming ritualistic. Our doubts. They all could be traced to our misguided ideas about marriage and their inability to support the very unnatural art of loving another person.

Needless to say, a little foresight could have saved us a couple of hard nights early on in marriage. So in lieu of slammed doors and pillow walls, here are three things everyone needs to know before they marry.

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1. HAPPILY EVER AFTER ISN’T THE POINT.

As soon as we’re able to understand bedtime stories, Cinderella and her friends tell us love is about happiness. Hollywood eventually takes up Cinderella’s campaign, inundating us with the idea that marriage — and sex — is our gateway into happily ever after.

But what if I told you happily ever after isn’t the point?

It doesn’t take long into matrimony for most of us to realize Disney and Hollywood were full of it. At that point, our frustration with Cinderella is only rivaled by the disillusionment we feel in our marriages.

Our modern obsession with being happy often makes it far more natural for us to love happiness more than we ever love another human. And though being happy is a very real by-product of a healthy relationship, the value we put on personal happiness is so inflated, its causing us to miss one of the more beautiful purposes of marriage. The ancient Hebrew culture, on the other hand, didn’t seem to miss this purpose. The language even highlights and unpacks this ideal for us.

In Hebrew, the word used for marriage actually means “Fire.” And not-so-coincidentally, fire is also the element used throughout ancient Hebrew culture to represent personal reformation. In this light, marriage (and its necessary friction) is seen less as a doorway to happily ever after and more as a tool in divine hands to help us become increasingly beautiful — increasingly our best and brightest selves.

2. GOOD CONSUMERS MAKE BAD LOVERS.

I couldn’t wait to get married. Of course, I loved my wife and couldn’t see my future with anyone else. Yet I was mostly looking forward to the perpetual slumber party, saying goodbye to the awkwardness of singlehood, and (obviously) the endless, mind-blowing sex.

And with that, I became a perfect illustration of another misguided modern mentality towards marriage.

Many of our ideas of love lead us to, consciously or subconsciously, begin and end the conversation with what marriage can do for us. Sadly, this me-centricity has a way of neutering the beauty of marriage — taking a relationship designed for giving and making it all about getting.

Yet again, the Hebrew language seems to bring a certain light to our modern ideas. The Hebrew word for love — ahava — has little to do with what one feels or receives. To the contrary — ahava — is actually a verb that means “I give.” As it turns out, love is not the fleeting butterflies we get when looking into the eyes of our significant other. It’s not something we fall into when dating. It’s far simpler — and far wilder — than all of that. It’s the everyday choices we make — big or small — to give to our spouse.

It’s taking out the trash.

It’s actively choosing to give him space when he is stressed.

It’s a text message, mid-afternoon, to tell her you can’t stop thinking about her.

It’s the choice to not react to something he said, but asking what he meant and how it makes him feel, instead.

It’s the time you’re late for a meeting, but run back inside to tell your wife — who you know adores being told — how much she means to you that day.

It’s the painful routine of taking the 3:00 a.m. newborn feeding shift so your wife can finally have three hours of uninterrupted sleep.

Love is not the fairy-tale beginnings as much as it is the small, mundane — but generous — things we do for each other every day. And as we begin to orient ourselves to this brand of love that requires us to show up continually, we’re sure to discover the beautiful paradox that it is.

3. LOVE IS A JOURNEY — NOT A FREE FALL.

“We fell in love and got married.”

This was certainly my story. After a few stomach butterflies and a handful of DTRs (Define the Relationship), I thought my wife and I had arrived at the much-sought-after phenomenon of being in love. It was no wonder I expected all the benefits of love on Day One of our marriage.

You know the benefits I’m talking about. The trusted friendship. The happy partnership. The ongoing romance.

But anyone who has experienced marriage knows that though these benefits are very real perks of love, they don’t come for free.

Trust requires trust-building circumstances over time.

True companionship comes from years of conversation.

And romance? Well, the kind of romance that doesn’t fade only comes from being intentional over the long haul.

Many of us get married and immediately expect to reap the rewards of love and quickly learn that true love isn’t something we fall into. This state of “Love” (and all of its benefits) is developed over years of learning to relate to one another — it’s a journey.

A friend of mine recently attended a small gathering after a frustrating fight with his wife. As they went around the circle introducing themselves, he announced they had been married five years. A woman, almost cutting them off, blurted out, “five years? Oh, you guys are only kindergarteners.”

Suddenly, my friends frustrations with his marriage disappeared. As he thought about the woman’s simple but profound comment, he realized: everybody expects kindergarteners to occasionally act childish, be selfish, and throw tantrums. Perhaps he should cut himself and his wife some slack in his marriage.

We can’t expect to microwave love, and can’t assume our spouse or our marriage will offer all the benefits of love on Day One.

Marriage, with its everyday equation of radical proximity to another human is never going to fit nicely into our neat boxes of formulas and principled ideals. I get it. And, regardless of what we know before we get married or not, it is always going to have a way of stretching us — many times to the brink of wanting to give up. But perhaps with every misguided idea about marriage we replace with a more timeless one, the more natural the very unnatural art of loving another person becomes.

The Rights And Responsibilities Of Every Wedding Guest

2014 May 28. | Szerző: shannon

There is a lot of wedding etiquette for a wedding guest to keep track of, and so many wedding guest missteps are the result of guests simply not knowing better. (We cringe when we think of how long it took us to send back RSVPs in our younger years!) To help you survive wedding season, we’ve put together a list of the rights and responsibilities every wedding guest (and engaged couple!) should know.

You have the responsibility to…

Send in your RSVP by the date requested. It’s so simple, but a surprising amount of guests don’t do this, meaning the couple has to track people down for RSVPs. The invitation typically includes a stamped envelope for the RSVP card, so there’s no excuse for not dropping it in the mail as soon as you know whether you’ll be able to make it.

Actually show up if you RSVP “yes.” The couple has to give a head count to the caterer several days before the wedding, and they are charged for your plate whether or not you actually show up. If you’ve already sent in your RSVP and something comes up, give the couple a call or send them an email to let them know; there may be still time for them to change the count.

Arrive at the ceremony on time. A late guest is a distraction for the couple and the other guests — and just might ruin a meaningful moment. If you arrive late, listen at the door for a song or a break in the action, and then sneak in quietly.

Adhere to any dress codes mentioned on the invitation or wedding website. If the dress code says “semi-formal,” don’t wear jeans. And yes, the old rule of not wearing white to a wedding is still in effect.

Not bring anyone to the wedding who wasn’t specifically invited. Unsure if your guest was invited or not? Here’s how you can tell: if the invitation is only addressed to you, and there’s no mention of “and guest,” then your guest is not invited. Similarly, if the invitation’s inner and outer envelopes are both addressed to “Mr. and Mrs. Smith,” your children are most likely not invited.

Silence your phone during the ceremony. This should go without saying, but no one should hear a phone vibrating or ringing as he or she says “I do.” If you’re worried about not being able to take a call from your baby-sitter, let him or her know your phone will be off from, say, 3:00-3:30, and to send a text if it’s an emergency. If you notice an urgent text during the ceremony, you can step outside to return the call.

Respect the couple’s wishes with regard to taking photos/sharing photos on social media. If the couple is having an unplugged wedding or has asked that you not put any photos of them on social media, you should respect that.

You have the right to…

Expect a wedding invitation if you receive a save the date. This is pretty standard etiquette, so you can politely ask the couple about it if the wedding date is nearing and you haven’t received an invite yet.

RSVP “no” if you can’t or don’t want to attend. The couple will understand…trust us.

Call or email the couple if you need clarification on any aspect of the wedding. If you’re confused about the plus-one situation or the dress code, feel free to shoot them an email to get answers.

Send a gift after the wedding or not send a gift at all. That’s correct: a gift is not the price of admission at a wedding. And you can send one for up to a year after the wedding; if it’s been several months and now you feel awkward, make it an extra-special holiday gift.

Expect a timely thank you note for any gifts you give. Give them a little time after the wedding to breathe, but if you haven’t received one after a few months, it’s totally fine to ask the couple if they received your gift.

Take advantage of the open bar. As long as you don’t get belligerent or make an embarrassing speech, feel free to let loose.

Bust a move on the dance floor. Couples love when it seems like everyone is having a good time at their wedding, so they’ll appreciate it if you’re the first one on the dance floor and the last one to leave it.

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Winter weddings rare but distinctive

2013 December 30. | Szerző: shannon

Matt and Emily Skoronski prayed for snow on their wedding day.

The Perryman couple chose Dec. 28, 2012, to get married because they love winter. Snow would have made the day perfect.

“I wanted it to snow, because what’s a winter wedding without snow? But it ended up being a sunny 40-degree day,” Emily says. Her bouquet was adorned with acorns and snowflakes, and personalized snowflake wedding ornaments were given to guests as wedding favors.

“My husband grew up in Massachusetts, and I love the cold and snow, so having a winter wedding was a no-brainer for us.”

The Skoronskis aren’t alone — but they’re close to it. Winter nuptials account for just 5 percent of all weddings nationwide. In Maryland, that statistic is 2 percent, says Jamie Miles, editor at The Knot, an online wedding resource. Still, they offer upsides such as lower costs and distinctive visuals.

“It’s even less popular in Maryland than the rest of the U.S. The number has stayed relatively flat since 2009,” Miles says. “We are predicting for 2013 it will remain pretty steady.”

Cold weather makes travel difficult, and the unpredictability scares brides off from winter weddings. Insurance, agreements with vendors and a backup plan are necessary for winter weddings.

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“If we’re in Baltimore and there’s a blizzard, you’re in trouble,” says Diana Venditto, owner of Eventi Planning in Baltimore.

Raquel Shutt, owner of Wedding Savvy in Annapolis, remembers one wedding a few years ago at the Naval Academy in Annapolis. It had snowed heavily the night before. Shutt spent most of the day before and the morning of the wedding making sure the photographers, florist and caterer were going to show up. She also had to make sure the transportation company would drive guests to and from the hotel.

“It was the day of a huge, huge snowstorm,” Shutt says. “I had assistants with me that day because we knew it was going to be a tough job.”

Snow can make for stunning photographs, but it can also make some areas difficult to shoot. At the Naval Academy wedding, the field was covered with snow, but the bridal party took pictures anyway. “All the girls that day had snow boots as a backup. Everybody had winter jackets and cute furs,” Shutt says. “People do want and expect from the bridal party a few outside shots.”

Colder weather was a draw for Peter and Renee Coolbaugh of Baltimore when they were planning their December wedding. There was no snow on their Dec. 7 wedding day. The next day; however, it snowed a couple inches.

“The day of our wedding it was about 40 and windy,” says Renee. “We got snow the next day and that made it fun for our guests getting home.”

Renee and Peter knew messy weather was a possibility.

“There’s no way I wanted a summer wedding. I don’t like to be hot. We wanted cooler temperatures,” Renee says. “I’m more of a cold weather kind of person.”

Renee’s one regret about the timing of her wedding was photo locations.

“The places I really wanted photos weren’t possible in 40-degree weather,” Renee said. “One thing, if you’re thinking about this season, think about where you want your photos.” Renee and her bridal party took photos at a harborside hotel in the outside garden on the eighth floor, and she and Peter took photos around Little Italy.

Despite the drawbacks, winter has some wedding perks. With amazing photographs and festive decor, they can be beautiful and memorable, says Shutt.

“There’s something about a winter wedding that is intrinsically more romantic,” says Shutt. There are candles and fireplaces and plenty of greens and warm hues. It all meshes in a winter wedding, she says.

Emily and Matt’s reception was at the Bulle Rock Residents’ Club in Havre de Grace. It was decorated with Christmas trees and poinsettias, which the couple loved.

“It is always decorated to the nines for Christmas,” Emily says. Two evergreens in the hallway were decorated with snowflake ornaments for the guests to take home. “I had an ice-blue color for lighting in the reception to give it more of an icy wonderland look.”

And all that romantic ambience will cost less in winter. Because weddings are scarce in winter, reception sites and vendors often offer major discounts. Some sites are already decorated for the holiday or winter season.

“You can save money that way if you like the decor,” says Venditto. “Winter can be gorgeous, and you can make it your own.”